Want to be a real man? Then you need to know how to throw a BBQ like a real man. Throw away the soy lattes and the metrosexual lifestyle and get ready for your BBQ transformation. By following these simple steps to manliness you will come to realise where you have been going wrong with your BBQ.
Firstly: You need a BBQ. If you don’t already have some variation of a BBQ then shame on you, but fear not as you have come to the right place. A manly BBQ is simple yet sturdy, reliable, unpretentious, tough and strong and able to stand up to the harsh Australian conditions.
Secondly: You need the correct BBQ attire. If you’ve been hosting your BBQ’s in jeans and a collared shirt, or cargo shorts and a t-shirt then you have a long way to go to manliness. The traditional Australian BBQ attire includes stubbies, singlet and thongs (optional). Traditional BBQ attire is essential to comfort and exhibiting your true manliness.
Thirdly: A real man drinks beer at a BBQ. You may be tempted by the champagne cocktails going around but you must resist. Head straight for the beers and don’t forget to have your own stubby holder on hand. Remember to never be without a beer in your hand throughout the duration of the BBQ. As BBQ host you must always offer beer to those other real men that are without a beer or running low.
Fourthly: If you are a visitor to a BBQ then remember to maintain your manliness. This means that as a real man you take beer and steak to a BBQ and not champagne and an antipasto platter. Remember to follow each of the other steps to Barbecue manliness even when at another’s BBQ.
Fifthly: As a Barbecue owner a real man knows to treat their BBQ with respect. Like your home and your car your BBQ is one of the most important inanimate objects in your life and as a man you should know how to treat it. Be sure your BBQ is cleaned after each use, cover your BBQ against the elements and make sure your BBQ is fixed as soon as a problem is found.
Sixthly: At a BBQ a real man stands – they don’t sit. Real men will stand around the BBQ taking turns to cook the meat whilst discussing manly subjects, e.g. how the meat is cooking, what needs turning, the beer, football. There are many dangers involved in this step (spluttering hot oil, smoke, intense heat) but it will be a true test of your BBQ manliness.
Seventhly: A real man only cooks meat on their BBQ and doesn’t enjoy cooking any other type of food. So veggie burger wielders and chicken and fish eaters should be warned prior to the BBQ – “if you don’t want your white or faux meat touching real meat cook it yourself, preferable away from the Barbecue and away from the meat”. As a man you must stand your BBQ ground.